


Strippin' in favor of Deadpool

by RavenclawCipherOfCabinOne



Category: Deadpool (2016), Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Deadpool being Deadpool, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, M/M, Male Slash, Rated for Deadpool's Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 14:21:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6614065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenclawCipherOfCabinOne/pseuds/RavenclawCipherOfCabinOne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wade wants a full night of sex with Vanessa but she can't get off work. Somehow he convinces Stiles to take her shift, but the only way they'll let her off is if Stiles pole dances on Bi-Night. He does. Wade uses it to help Stiles in turn...by sending Derek proof and forcing the sour-puss to act on his feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strippin' in favor of Deadpool

Wade comes out of his room in his full Deadpool outfit and bathrobe over it and notices the reader through the screen. Though the mask makes it impossible to tell, the vibe that he's smiling is present. He lifts a hand in acknowledgment. "Well hello, dear readers. If you're here then you're probably wondering what cooky shenanigans someone like me can get into with Stiles, am I right?"

He walks into the living room and sits on the armchair, grabs the remote and turns on the television. Though he's flipping through the channels, he continues to address you, the reader, through the screen. "Out of all the Teen Wolf characters Stiles is probably my best match for obvious reasons. And though he has a _very_ nice ass, I'm afraid RavenclawCipherofCabinOne, and geeze, how many fandoms were you trying to fit in there, writer?" The mask scrunches up a bit to give readers the notion that he's furrowing his brow. Then he shrugs and waves it off. "But whatever. What was I saying? Oh, right. This is a Sterek fic. So I'm probably gonna just help Stiles get with Derek, that grumpy puss! Anyway...have fun reading, and don't the dick that gets off without getting off your partner. Leave a kudos and a comment at the end yeah?"

The happy-go-lucky vice disappears as he pulls out a gun and points it directly to the screen. "If not I'm gonna hunt you down and shoot you in the fucking face!

He holds the gun in place for a moment before dropping it into his lap. "...nah, just kidding! I'm kidding! Okay...show time!" The happy demeanor returns and he gives a bit of jazz hands.

* * *

 

"If you fuck a werewolf, is that considered bestiality? It is, isn't it? I don't see how it can't be. Hey, do they knot like dogs?"

Stiles sighed as he flopped into his couch and wrapped an arm over his eyes. "Not now Wade."

"When then? Full moon, new moon, blue moon, Breaking Dawn? Oh my god, you're even the sheriff's kid! You're what would have happened had Bella chosen Jacob...except your Jacob's rich. And far more moody. And you're not fucking him. And you're not a girl. But on the plus side that means he can't become soulmates with your baby."

( _"Though there are dozens, if not hundreds of other fics where he's a girl or it's mpreg_.")

"I have _waaaaay_ more personality than Bella." Stiles argued as he sat up and glared at Wade.

"But far less game. She was basically a wall and people wanted to fuck her. From monsters to normies. How fucking sad is that for you?"

"Wade!"

"Okay okay, touchie subject I'm sorry. But I got a job for you." Wade tried to wiggle his eyebrows but because they were missing it just looked weird.

"Please don't do that. It was creepy when you had eyebrows, it's creepier now."

"I will if you agree to take Vanessa's shift so we can go fuck somewhere romantic."

"Seriously? Dude, I'm not a stripper."

"But you can shake that nice firm ass of yours and it's bi-night! Please! I'll kill those morons that are giving your father problems. Free of charge." Wade made his hands into an prayer position and offered Stiles his best smile, though he was sure it would have worked better before Francis made his face all ew.

Stiles let out a sigh. "Capture, not kill. But you can shoot the guy that shot Parrish. Nothing vital, but it can scar."

"Oooh, message sender. Me likey. So, we got a deal?" Wade held out his hand for Stiles to shake.

Feeling he was going to regret it, Stiles shook it anyway.

"I'm calling Vanessa. She's gonna demand an International Woman's day play."

Wade narrowed his eyes, "You _bitch_..." Then he grinned and pulled Stiles into a hug. "I love you, you psycho!"

* * *

 

"Hello?"

_"Hi, is this Derek Hale, resident sourpuss?"_

"Who the hell is this?" Derek gruffed out.

_"Just the guy watching a few bears spanking it to Stiles stripping and pole dancing. Hey, out of curiosity cos he just won't tell me, you ever do watersports with him? Scent kink is totally a turn on for you, ain't it? Come on, tell papa the truth."_

Derek had no idea how to reply. But his brain decided to settle on one thing. "What the fuck do you mean Stiles is stripping?"

_"Well being a deputy ain't the most paying gig in the world. ((" **Yes, in here Stiles is over age and he's a deputy. And no kiddies, law enforcement doesn't pay much...unless you're dirty and double dip into some confiscated cocaine money."** ))Much less in Beacon Hills where things are always burning or breaking and the insurance doesn't cover everything. But rather than stripping to put himself through college, he's stripping to put himself through...his job? That came out weird. I'm sorry, I know I can do better but I just spent the last hour acting with my downstairs brain, the top brain checked out for the night. Anyway. Stiles seems to have found a few Sugar Daddies willing to cater to his every need...you don't wanna lose him, better get your wolfie, tight leather clad ass to the address I'm about to text you." _

Derek opened the message sent to him to find a dick pic. 

\--Oops. Srry. Meant 2 send dat 2 some1 else. But I wont mind if u use it ;) ;) --

* * *

 

"I swear if someone else touches my ass I'm gonna-"

"Come home right now, with me."

Stiles looked up and saw Derek.

"What are you doing here?" Stiles demanded. He looked down at himself and grabbed a robe to cover himself. He was in the back getting ready for his next set.

"Me? You're in a strip club and you're asking _me_ that?" Derek demanded. "I didn't even want to believe it. Why, Stiles?"

"I owed someone a favor and apparently they're getting me back for International Woman's day..." Stiles muttered as he cursed Wade mentally.

"I...I don't understand what that means. But...Stiles, look. I'm sorry I didn't react well the other day. I was upset and it's not excuse. Please let me make it up to you by taking you to dinner. And away from these bastards before I tear someone's throat out for looking anywhere near your ass or groin."

"You...you wanna take me on a date?" Stiles asked hopefully.

"From the short video I received that convinced me this wasn't a joke, I want to do much more than that, but I think a date is a good place to start." Derek admitted sheepishly.

Stiles blushed a bit before grabbed Derek's shirt and pulling him into a kiss. "Let's get out of here, Sourwolf. If you're good I'll blow you in your car."

* * *

 

"So...there you have it. Stiles and Derek get together and have nasty, bestiality, werewolf shifted, water-sports included, kinky sex on a regular basis. What? You expected more plot? Dude, it's like 2: 30 in the morning. "


End file.
